Guest Story Editing Part 7 Explanation

This will be my last explanation post, as I've run out of editing posts to explain.  You can find this last part here.

The first paragraph of this part is a giant tell, same as usual.  I did my best to show the details through a more intimate, tighter, more visible viewpoint.  The story was meant to be light-hearted, so I tried to make it innocent and serene.  I think I did pretty well.

I chose to change the ending of this story, as the original felt very abrupt and cheesy.  The themes (don't think too much of it, I'm not much of a "theme" kind of guy) of forgiveness and friendship was too perfect to pass up on.  My last bit is still a little cheesy, but in a sweeter, less slap-stick way, in my opinion.

What d'ya think?

Guest Post Editing Part 6 Explanation

Please follow along with Guest Post Editing Part 6.

I entirety of this part's original was awkward.  Most of my rewrite was still a little awkward.  I'll try to fix that.

The first four paragraphs in the original got a boost in word count and an extra paragraph.  It was pretty bare bones, so I bulked it up to help the pacing.  My wording could have been a lot better.  How about:

"Wiggles wafted through his living room.  The fire in his fireplace was almost dead, so he tossed a piece of rugged pine into its ashy waste.  He jumped when he saw the empty taffy bowl on the mantle.

'Mom, have you eaten any of our taffy lately?' Wiggles asked.

'Not in the last few weeks.'  His mother knit her eyebrows.  'Why do you ask?'

'Just wondering.  It needs refilling, for the first time that I can remember.'  He stayed long enough for his mother to nod before retreating to his room."

The remainder of the story is a long trail of thoughts in bad form.  I summed everything up in a manner more common in prose.  My final two paragraphs are far better than my first five, for sure.

Guest Story Editing Part 5 Explanation

Guest Story Editing Part 5 featured a single paragraph in both unedited and edited forms.  Check it out.

I tried a more poetic approach in the edit, although I went a little overboard.  "As the sun descended" should read "as the day wore on."  The third sentence would sound better as "Fluffy went back to Wiggles' house every day for a week, each time taking a single piece of taffy."  I like the mock-seriousness of my concluding sentence.

Can you think of a better version of this paragraph?

Guest Story Editing Part 4 Explanation

Here is an explanation of an old post showing unedited and edited parts of a story my cousin wrote for her seventh grade English class.

The first paragraph was a pretty bad "tell."  It was simple enough to fix.

The second paragraph felt a little too abrupt, so I put the dialogue tag at the beginning and beefed it up.

I combined the third and fourth paragraphs.  They needed a style boost, so I went with a more character-driven approach.

The last two paragraphs were bare bones.  I could have left them, but decided to add some words to the dialogue for realism and change/omit the tags.

I'm not quite sure why I decided to add an extra paragraph at the end.  I suppose it gives the story a nicer sense of finality and builds upon Wiggles' character.

All in all, my edits made the story better, in my opinion.

Guest Story Editing Part 3 Explanation

Because it's Halloween, I'm going to be horrifyingly brief.

I only made a few real changes in Part 3.  I love playing with dialogue tags, so I went to town, trying to hone the story through them.  The dialogue needed a little more style, so I provided it.  It was as simple as that.

Happy Halloween!

Guest Story Editing Part 2 Explanation

Again, this is an explanation of an old post showing unedited and edited parts of a story my cousin wrote for her seventh grade English class.  Read along with "Guest Story Editing Part 2."

The first sentence/paragraph of Part 2 was in need of some rephrasing.  It was too abrupt and indefinite.  I gave it direction by stating that "the situation changed for the worse."

Dialogue pushed the plot forward in the next sentence.  Wiggles' mother called him away to the kitchen.  I cut the speech down a few words to improve the narrative rhythm.  The nickname in the original served little purpose, so I removed it.

Paragraph three needed only tweaks, the most important of which was changing a "tell" to a "show."

The final paragraph turned into three.  A sentence of description became a paragraph to add literary appeal, expand the setting, and slow the pacing.  You could argue that there was some character development there too.  The second of my created paragraphs did pretty much the same thing.  My wording could have been a little better.  The edited version of the story left off much the same as the unedited version, albeit with a few more words.  I could have told less.  It's not bad enough to worry about, in my opinion.

Any other suggestions or comments?

Guest Story Editing Part 1 Explanation

A long, long time ago I took a story my cousin (her name is Maren Shenal) had written for her seventh grade English class and posted it one segment at a time on my blog along with revised versions of the segments.  I want to talk about editing more often on my blog, as for the past nineteen months I've focused mostly on drafting.  My next few writing posts are going to explain why I changed the things that I did when I revised my guest story (and perhaps refer to some things I would have done differently had I been writing those posts "today").

I will start with Part 1, which can be found here.  It's best that you follow along.  (If anyone is even reading this...)

The first sentence in the original felt too abrupt and showed too much for my taste.  Its implied style seemed a little too first grade for the rest of the story.  I turned that sentence into five.  The final two sentences could have been done better, for sure.  I now prefer something like, "Don't get me wrong, they had their fair share of hardships, but they were often small and almost always funny, and the case of Fluffy and Wiggles it was both."  "But" in the preceding sentence would therefore be changed to "albeit."

I retained the next sentence more-or-less.  It felt like the story needed some more description to balance out the opening dialogue, so I added some.  My revision was a little shaky.  I would have ended better with, "...yet his sharp teeth broke the pleasant image.  Fluffy caught a glimpse of his coat of dense purple fur on the very brink of squealing.  She held back a laugh."

The third sentence needed the same treatment as the second and some cutting.  I told more than I should have.  I could have shown with just a few extra words.  "Wiggles stared at Fluffy's long, horse-like body, his eyes shifting only to gaze upon the large black horn emerging from her skull.  In the corner of his view, Fluffy's hair sparkled in every hue of a rainbow.  The knot in Wiggles' stomach softened.  He smiled."  That's much better, in my opinion.  I took the purpose of the nickname and amplified it by changing it to description through the opposite character's eyes.

Sentence four was fine after a trim and a dialogue tag (although the tag could have been omitted).

I decided to maintain the narrative nature of the final sentence in Part 1 and only change the wording.  It does well enough as a transition in this genre.

Is there anything else anyone thinks should be changed?  General comments?

Guest Story Editing Part 7

Today is the final installment of Guest Story Editing and possibly the final Saturday post.  Enjoy.       

        Fluffy realized that Wiggles knew about the taffy situation. Wiggles decided to follow and watch Fluffy's every move. He now referred to himself as “Wiggles the Stalker.” He watched Fluffy steal a piece of taffy everyday. But one day...

        “Do you want any saltwater taffy,” Wiggles asked politely one day.

        “No thanks, I don't want anymo-er I mean any taffy, but thanks anyway,” Fluffy stuttered.

        That's when Wiggles caught Fluffy red-handed.

        He screamed “BUSTED!”

        Fluffy became more and more nervous when coming to Wiggles' home.  She could not help but notice his rapid glances between the mantle and her.  Her secret was out, she knew.  A grand apology was in order.

        "Wiggles," she began.

        "Yes, Fluffy?"

        "I have something that I need to talk to you about."

        "Oh, and what would that be?"

        "I think you've found out that I took quite a bit of taffy without asking..." Fluffy trailed.  "I'm sorry."

        Wiggles was somewhat taken aback.  He hadn't thought that Fluffy would admit to her fault.  "It's okay.  I forgive you.  And for goodness sake, it was only lousy taffy!"  Wiggles laughed and gave his friend a hug.

        The two creatures' friendship went on as usual after the so-called Taffy Strife.  It grew in later times into something far greater.  All is well in Pumpkin Town.  Today, it's even better in its chapel.  The sound of the wedding bells is sweeter than any candy.

Guest Post Editing Part 6

        Wiggles noticed that the bowl of saltwater taffy on the mantle was starting to empty gradually.

        “Have you been eating any of that taffy from the mantle lately?” Wiggles asks his mother anxiously.

        “No sweetie, why?” MPFBV pondered.

        “Because it isn't as full as it was before,” he replied, then left the kitchen.

        Wiggles goes to his room to ponder the mystery... Well if mom hasn't eaten any taffy, and I haven't eaten any, then somebody has to have been! He thinks for a while, then comes to a conclusion: Well if mom and I haven't eaten any of the taffy, then it has to have been Fluffy. Wiggles thinks to himself. Well since I never granted Fluffy permission to have any, that means he's been stealing it from us! Well wiggles didn't like the fact that his new friend was a thief... it was time to seek REVENGE!

        Wiggles wafted around through his living room.  He noticed that the fire had stopped crackling in his fireplace, provoking him to chuck a piece of rugged pine into its ashy waste.  A quick glance at his mantle gave him a start more powerful than that of the sparking hearth.  The taffy bowl that had sat full upon it for as long as he could remember was nearly empty.

        "Mom, have you eaten any of the taffy we keep on our mantle lately?" Wiggles asked.

        "No, I haven't."  His mother knit her eyebrows.  "Why do you ask?"

        "Just wondering.  It needs refilled, oddly enough."  He stayed long enough for a nod from his mother and retreated to his bedroom.

        Wiggles settled himself on his bed and got to thinking.  Nobody in his house even liked taffy.  He was puzzled as to why his mother had the bowl out in the first place, let alone filled with the candy.  There was only one possible culprit.

        "She's a thief..." he muttered.

 

Guest Story Editing Part 5

        As the day went on, Fluffy longed for another piece of delicious saltwater taffy. For the next week or so, Fluffy went over to Wiggles' house everyday; everyday that he went, he would take another piece of taffy from the mantle.

        Fluffy craved saltwater taffy progressively more as the sun descended.  She left at dusk and went immediately to bed, dreaming of the candy.  For the next few days, Fluffy returned to Wiggles' house and ate a piece of his taffy on each visit.  She denied her subconscious claims of addiction.

Guest Story Editing Part 4

        Fluffy and Wiggles wandered outside to play catch.

        “Do I smell chocolate?” Wiggled asked.

        Fluffy became nauseous and nervous, struggling to come up with a manageable lie to cover up his theft.

        “Uuhhhh, yeah... I stopped at the Pumpkin Town Candy Shoppe,” Fluffy lied.

        “Oh cool, what did ya' get?” Wiggles wondered.

        “Just some chocolate truffles,” Fluffy replied nervously.

        Wiggles walked over to a ball lying in the dewy grass and tossed it toward his friend.  Fluffy caught it in her mouth and launched it back.

        Crinkling his nose, Wiggles asked, "Do I smell chocolate?"

        Fluffy's head swam.  She looked off toward an oak tree to her left.  "Oh, yeah," she said, trailing.  "I stopped at the Pumpkin Town Candy Shoppe."

        Wiggles nodded.  "Oh, cool.  What did you get?"

        "Just a few chocolate truffles.  That was a few hours ago.  I'm sorry, I meant to save one for you."

        "That's okay.  Let's play some more catch.  I love your throw."

Guest Story Editing Part 3

        “Hey Fluffy, did you find anything fun to do while I was gone?” Wiggles asked curiously.

        “Yes, your house is very nice,” complimented Fluffy.

        “Thanks! Well lets go outside and play catch, okay?” Wiggles wondered.

        “Sure, that's fine with me!” Fluffy replied.

        Wiggles returned from the kitchen and asked, "Fluffy, did you find anything to do while I was gone?"

        "I guess so," she replied, her head cocked slightly down, but voice still bright.  "Your house is very nice."

        "Thank you!  Well, want to go outside and play some catch?  This game takes way too long."

        "Fine by me," Fluffy replied.  She got up and charged toward the door, tongue secretly flitting through her taffy-coated teeth.

Guest Story Editing Part 2

        Fluffy and Wiggles did everything together, but one day...

        “Come here Wiggles! Somebody didn't finish unloading the dishwasher!” Mrs. Purple Fluffy Butterfly Vampire (who everyone called “MPFBV” for short) exclaimed from the kitchen.

        “Sorry, I'll be right back!” Wiggles said as he fled the sitting room, where he and Fluffy were previously playing a board game.

        Fluffy started to wander around the cozy room, noticing everything. He spotted a small bowl of saltwater taffy on the mantel. Ooh, these look good! He thought to himself. It's not like they'll miss one tiny piece of taffy. He spied around the room to make sure that nobody was coming anytime soon. He grabbed the smallest piece that he could find, to quickly shove it into his mouth and begin to chew. Ooh, chocolate! My favorite

       All was well and good for Fluffy and Wiggles for a great while, but one day the situation changed for the worse.
       "Wiggles!  I could use your help for a moment," Wiggles' mother shouted from the kitchen.
       "Sorry, I'll be right back," Wiggles said as he rushed out of the room.  He knocked over his board game token in his haste.
       Fluffy set down the dice she had been gripping between her cloven hooves.  She decided to have a look around, as she had never paid full attention to Wiggles' living room before.  The room looked quite mundane.  The walls were a pale beige, the fireplace and carpet both a rusty red-brown.  A small fire crackled gently in the hearth, flames illuminating the mantle above.  Despite the rest of the room, the mantle looked quite interesting.
       A variety of items were strewn across the shelf.  Pictures of bats long forgotten sat near to ones of Wiggles, his mother, and his father.  Vibrant purple candles were lit on the sides, filling the room with a mysterious scent that Fluffy hadn't even realized until now.  Defeating the other objects in appeal, the center-most item on the mantle stole her gaze.  An intricate glass bowl held her favorite treat, chocolate taffy.
       Fluffy glanced around her to see if anyone was looking before she walked up to the mantle and ate a piece.  The one she chose was the smallest in the bowl, figuring that it wouldn't be missed.  She returned to her place at the game looking no less innocent than before.

Guest Story Editing Part 1

My cousin, Maren Shenal, asked if she could have a story that she'd written posted on my blog, with permission to edit it.  I accepted and decided to put some emphasis on the last point.  To keep the size of my posts at a reasonable length, the story will be broken into sections, with a section each Saturday.  Today's section is posted with the unedited version above the edited version.  Here we go...

        It was tough for the citizens in the Pumpkin Town of Sugary Treats...

        “Hi, whats your name?” asked Fluffy.

        “Hi, I'm Wiggles the Purple Fluffy Butterfly Vampire, but everybody just calls me Wiggles. What's your name?”

        “I'm Fluffy the Mystical Rainbow Unicorn of Darkness, but everyone just calls me Fluffy.”

        The 2 very different creatures soon created a tight friendship.

        Deep in the grasslands of a far-off land stood a rather queer town.  That town was named the Pumpkin Town of Sugary Treats.  The citizens of Pumpkin Town were all jolly fellows, quirky, but happy just the same.  However, they had some hardships too.  Now, these conflicts were small and almost always funny, and in the case of Fluffy and Wiggles the situation was both.
        "Hello, what's your name?" Fluffy asked, seeing a new boy on her way to school.  He was clearly a butterfly, although his sharp teeth were startling.  His coat of dense purple fur removed the fright.
        "Hello, I'm Wiggles.  What's your name?"  Wiggles had a similar reaction to Fluffy, whose long horse-like body was fitted with a large black horn.  Despite the horn, her hair sparkled with the colors of the rainbow, giving her a look of innocence.
        "My name is Fluffy.  It's nice to meet you," she replied.
         The two odd creatures became fast friends, and soon they were all but inseparable.