Guest Story Editing Part 5 featured a single paragraph in both unedited and edited forms. Check it out.
I tried a more poetic approach in the edit, although I went a little overboard. "As the sun descended" should read "as the day wore on." The third sentence would sound better as "Fluffy went back to Wiggles' house every day for a week, each time taking a single piece of taffy." I like the mock-seriousness of my concluding sentence.
Can you think of a better version of this paragraph?